Steps for Having Difficult Conversations
This article was originally published as a Facebook post in November of 2016.
When asked to talk to people, family members and loved ones, who voted for Trump and explain to them the implications of their vote, I've noticed that many people backpedal a bit and say that they are not ready to have that conversation.
While I understand that, I also need people to understand a few things.
As a black woman, I can never have that conversation with your relatives and/or friends and be given the same amount of trust as a reliable source of information. For some people, my skin color and gender will always put the validity of my facts and opinions in doubt. I need you to reach people I can't.
I actually have had these difficult conversations about race, access, pain, and history many times. Oftentimes, it has been with many left-leaning individuals who didn't understand, misinterpreted or lacked the context of a racially tinged issue.
These conversations require practiced skills. As a people, we are not good at listening to each other. Mostly we wait for our chance to talk instead of actually hearing what the other person has to say.
“These conversations require practiced skills. ”
Here are some things to remember and skills to practice to prepare for your difficult conversations (or conversations that become unexpectedly challenging).
a. Most people just want to feel heard and understood. That desire is so deep and universal that oftentimes, when you get behind their statements, you'll find fear, uncertainty, and anxiety. And, if you keep probing and asking why a person feels a certain way, you'll often get to that place where their pain is. Not all the time, but as a friend or family member, they might trust you enough to reveal themselves.
b. Reflect what the person says back to them. This enables you to make sure you understood/heard them clearly and reassures them that you at least understand. This is sometimes where the conversation hits a roadblock because when you reflect what a person says even with their own words, they may hear it differently (it often sounds worse) and attempt to correct what they said. And, they often can back themselves into a corner and argue themselves out of their opinion.
NOTE: Through all this, the listening and reflecting, you need to keep a neutral voice and calm body posture. Even when the words you hear are awful to you, if you are trying to actively engage without it devolving into a shouting match, a calm demeanor is vital and necessary.
c. State your objections, opinions, or story in a way that contradicts the other person's opinion, not their character or morals. You can state how you see something they mentioned differently. If they try to interrupt (which many do) you can remind them that you had listened to their opinion without interruption or just with a few questions and you deserve the same respect. If they contradict your opinion after you have clearly stated it (and you have the energy) you go back to step a. and start over.
d. The point is not to change the other person's opinion (although that can happen). The point is to get them to understand different perspectives than their own and to see that perspective as a valid interpretation of an issue or event. In these conversations, you can't "fix" another individual; only they can do that. What you can do is seek to understand them and then state your opinions. Sometimes you realize that you are arguing about two related, but different things.
e. Chances are you will agree to disagree. That's okay and that's still a win.
f. More than likely you will be exhausted after this conversation and need a drink, cookie, and a friend to vent to in order to express those emotions you swallowed down in order to remain civil. That's okay. And sometimes you go out to party to let off steam too. Either way can work.
We have to learn how to handle uncomfortable conversations and work with people who disagree with us. Now, sometimes we are not ready. Sometimes the emotional labor is extremely exhausting, but I can't hide who I am. I can't tell you how often I've used this process myself in seemingly safe company with friends who told an "off-color" joke or assumed I would take something a certain way because, even though I was the only Black person there, I was "basically white" so it didn't matter. It mattered. It always matters.
So, to all my people out there: get stronger, take care of yourselves, have passionate discussions about pizza toppings for practice, rehearse stating your opinion without demeaning or alienating the other person, but please do not disengage. Please, fight with us and for us, even and especially when we are not in the room. We need you. I need you. Peace.
Latisha is a filmmaker and podcaster with over 10 years of experience in theater and multicultural education. Her podcast, Interspectional, has recently completed its first season. She runs a diversity and inclusion consulting firm, LJ Solidarity Consulting, whose flagship seminar, “Having Difficult Conversations about Race”, has been enthusiastically attended by hundreds of participants. As a speaker, Latisha been tapped for several presentations and podcasts for her experience in anti-racism education and critical media analysis.
